War of The Guilds
by Oxymoronic Writer
Summary: A guild famous for its literacy and shoe fights, muffins and evil purple chipmunks of all things is thrust into a hot feud with the #1 N00b Guild.


**WAR OF THE GUILDS**

By FantasyDreamer120

**Disclaimer: **This world/story setting is from Neopets. I do not own it, or anything else affiliated with it.

**Summary: **A guild famous for its literacy gets into a hot feud with the #1 Noob Guild.

_Guild wars are rare. In fact, one could say they are impossible. But my guild has experienced one, and we will never forget it. The Fantasy Alliance has something to it that a guild cannot often achieve. And it's surprising that there are other guilds out there that will sink to the lowest in order to destroy this special quality._

_If you joined TFA, you'd find that gaining freebies and other benefits of the site suddenly doesn't matter. In fact, it's hardly a big deal at all. Also, the advertising is very strange. Where is the list of "cool stuff" that every guild leader hurriedly posts when "guildless" pops up pathetically on the guild boards? And what's with the "literacy" propaganda? What? TFA can't stand even the tiniest bit of chatspeak?_

_No, we can't. And no, we do not care for begging people to join our guild by posting a ton of cool benefits for them to see. Instead, we look for eligible members who might like to listen to us, and our cause. And when we do advertise, there is no list, only a likable notice that a literate lover of fantasy might find appealing._

_Privacy is golden. Someone wants in? Then the procedure is brought forth, and many are rejected. Yes, we now sound rather intimidating, which we are – when n00bs are around._

_A guild like ours, different and quite offensive towards things like chatspeak, n00bs, and other illiterate nightmares, can attract attention – unwanted attention at times. And the time came when two guild leaders, completely different in every way, had an unfortunate meeting at the guild boards._

--

On that fateful morning, Shiri, guild leader of TFA, was advertising her guild, cheerful and content as ever. She'd just won a shoe war on the guild board. Oh yah, she rocked!

Then, "OMG! LYK CH7P33K PWNZ U!"

Enter Kya, also advertising, and a little disgruntled by Shiri's anti-chatspeak act.

Of course, Shiri had to smile. She'd dealt with this before. Sighing she took out her can of n00b-be-gone and made a move to spray her rival in the face, "TFA pwns you!" she shouted, half-laughing.

"U R so lyk u noe!!" Kya ranted, disgusted, "Ok, cut it girlfriend, I'm in a bad mood."

Shiri stopped mid-laugh, "You're literate?" she asked, eyebrows raised.

Kya glared at her, "I can be either," she said icily, "So whatz w/ th3 cha47sp33k b4n?"

Shiri eyed her patronizingly, "It's pointless," she said bluntly, "A complete joke. Now I'd appreciate it if you'd speak normally to me."

The flamer flared up, "Are you saying I'M a complete joke?" she hissed, forgetting her chatspeak motives, "Loser. You're guild's pathetic too. Might as well drop it. Won't last long. Things are changing here girlfriend."

Shiri felt her temper rising. She was used to being insulted, especially in chatspeak, but this was different. It was worse, "Have it your own way," she muttered as she strode off. By those last words, she clearly meant, "You want war? I'll give you war."

--

Kya truly wasn't done yet. A complete joke huh? That Shiri was done for. Her guild, her stupid ideas, everything! Kya had ruined people who'd confronted her before. She was a master at the art of scamming. It wasn't about to fail her now.

The first thing she did was tell her guild about their new target. Of course they all thought it was awesome.

"FLM3 H3R! SCM H3R!" they all cheered, drinking and screaming like the idiots that they were. Kya sighed. It'd be nice to have some scam-smart partners for a change. She used to have dozens of them. But somehow they'd slipped and been sent to The Ice. Then she never saw them again, despite the fact that she knew they could always come back. She'd had to make a trip back a couple of times, back in her early days.

But those were over.

--

Shiri saw Kya again in the Haunted Woods, on her way to TFA. Kya was conversing with someone, and Shiri immediately recognized Mist, a new member.

"What's going on here?" she asked sharply, walking up to the pair. But Kya only smirked, then left without a word, "Mist?" Shiri turned to the Greenie expectedly.

"Oh just chatting." Mist said, heading for the HQ, "She's pretty cool once you get to know her."

Shiri highly doubted that. But just then Rain bumped into her. Her fellow counselor had been with TFA for the past few months, and already seemed as comfortable as an old member, "What's with you?" Rain asked at the sight of Shiri's sullen expression.

"Nothing," Shiri said. Her affair with Kya was private.

Of course, over the next few weeks it came out anyway. First, there was the spam letters. Somehow every member in TFA was getting floods of hate mail from random n00b users. Several were forced to close off mailing altogether. Shiri began having difficulties contacting everyone. But at last, word got out on the message board that TFA was in combat with another guild, and mass neofriend requests were to be sent out so that the guild could converse privately in peace.

Shiri gritted her teeth as she cleaned her inbox out for the fifth time, ripping the hate mail into little shreds. How on earth could TFA have run into this kind of problem, of all guild difficulties?

--

Kya paced up and down her guild HQ, pondering her next move. The war was furious now. TFA was advertising like crazy, spreading propaganda with every post. Once, to Kya's fury, she'd received a neomail from some random user, "You are disgusting to be harassing Neopians left and right with your stupid revenge methods. Don't even think about inviting me to your loser guild."

Were things getting that nasty? Kya smiled. Time for plan B.

--

Mist was nervous. Where was Kya? Did she have what she'd promised? She was at the point of fidgeting when the teenager at last walked into the café where they'd arranged to meet. She smiled warmly at Mist as she sat down, "Thanks for helping me out on this. You'll get the money after I carry this out. Did you get the mailers?"

Mist nodded, and gave the 20 or so official guild mailer cards that she'd skillfully stolen off Shiri, "What are you gonna do?" she asked nervously, as Kya greedily took out her pen.

"You'll see."

--

Rain was interested when she saw the mailer, "Daily Chat! Writing activities and more! Come join!"

She headed to the indicated chat room obligingly…

The door was opened for her, and she was suddenly pulled into a pitch-black room. The door closed, lock clicked, and then lights and loud unbearable music switched on in one bewildering second.

"ZOMG! U R L00Z3RS!" She was surrounded by n00bs.

"HELP!" she screamed, uselessly.

She caught sight of Koneko punching n00bs out of her way, yelling in rage, "IF I HAD MY CHIPMUNKS HERE!"

"Too bad you don't," Kya took a glass of something and splashed it all over Koneko, "Which is the top guild now?" she purred.

Cove was suddenly by Rain's side, "Rain. What happened?" she hissed in her fellow TFAer's ear.

"No idea." Rain muttered, leaning back against the wall, her head pounding with the loud music, "That jerk must have somehow gotten control of the guild mailer."

She turned to try the door but Cove stopped her, "I've already tried."

"How many are there?" Rain asked quietly.

"At least fifty, all no doubt from that guild."

"Any other exits?"

"No."

"ZOMG! N00 RIIV4LZ!" Kya laughed maniacally as Shiri suddenly burst forth.

"YOU!" Shiri had never looked so angry. With a scream she took a bottle full of some substance and hurled it at Kya. The girl screamed and dodged, and the bottle cracked on the wall behind her, spilling red liquid all over the flamer.

Everyone in the room quieted, even Koneko. They watched as Kya, dripping freakily in red, looked up at Shiri, mad with rage.

"That's it." Her fists clenched. "You're going down girlfriend!"

Shiri smiled grimly, "You first." She snapped her fingers.

A hoard of purple furry things suddenly streamed through the door.

Rain, Cove, Koneko and Shiri relished the blood-curdling screams of the n00bs as they panicked. Their chatspeak was distinct in the next few moments of confusion.

"ZOMG! WT R DOSE!!"

"H333337P111!!"

Koneko gave a swift signal and the swarm of evil rodents fell on Kya. She screamed before tumbling over five or six n00bs to dash through the door, still finding time to give Shiri one last glance full of hatred before escaping the chat room, an army of chipmunks running after her.

Soon only the four TFAers were left, laughing until their sides ached.

"Perfect timing Shiri!" Rain gasped out as she laughed.

But Shiri had sobered quickly, "This isn't good," she said, frowning, "Someone in TFA is giving that freak all this information."

All laughter stopped, "But that doesn't mean she could actually take the guild?" Rain asked, suddenly tense.

Shiri moaned, "It could mean that, Rain!"

Koneko slammed her hand against the wall in frustration, "There's NO WAY we'll let her get that far!" she snapped angrily, "We'll find the leak!"

"Oh that will be easy," Cove muttered sarcastically.

A contemplative pause followed, everyone was thinking. The guild had never even gotten close to having this problem with n00bs before. But then they weren't really dealing with n00bs at all. There was a difference between annoying n00bs and raging mad flamers.

"Just ready yourselves girls," Shiri sighed as she headed for the door, "I honestly don't know how to deal with this. That's a tough disadvantage…"

"But we still have the upper hand Shiri," Rain walked at her leader's side, "We're TFA. Isn't that advantage enough?"

--

Kya had never felt so much hate. She threw things against the wall of her guild office, imagined punching Shiri over and over again. She would get it! Oh she was SO going to get it!

The flamer pondered on revenge for the remaining hours of the night, thinking hard. There had to be a simple way to hit hard. There always was! She'd need Mist's help again…what could she use?

All private guilds kept their doors locked…only the leader had the key, but that didn't mean no one else had access to the key…if Mist were to get herself locked out…

Kya smiled. She'd found the simple route at last. It was risky, but she could make it work. She'd need help, and she'd need weapons…it was the final strike, and Kya would win. TFA, The Freak Asylum, was done for.

--

For the next week, TFA saw no sign of the guild they'd come to call TNI, (The N00b Infiltrators.) But Shiri knew it wasn't over yet. Defenses were being put into action. Koneko was training more chipmunks, while Val was constructing a safe wall around the guild HQ. Fully trusting Rain in keeping the guild locked up safely at night, Shiri spent hours on the boards looking for Kya. The maniac had to be reported and sent to The Ice at all costs, and Shiri was determined to be the deliverer.

But Kya had disappeared, though no one could tell whether she was online or not by checking her lookup. The ever taunting, "Stealth!" was her status at all times.

Tension was rising. When would the next strike come? A quiet dead period settled over the guild. Hardly anyone stopped by to chat. Only Rain checked every day to see how things were going, and to make sure and keep the doors locked overnight.

Rain was tidying up the guild after a friendly chat with Faye when it happened. There'd been a brief chat party to lighten the mood, and it'd worked pretty well. TNI didn't seem to be much of a threat anymore...it'd been a week since the mailer incident. Just as Rain was done straightening the chat room, there was an urgent knock on the door.

"Rain! This is Mist! My account got suspended! Some stupid filter caught some stupid word. Please let me in?"

"Yeah OK!" Rain called, reaching for her keys. She'd once been in Mist's situation. Sometimes TNT could be so ridiculous! She found the right key and inserted it into the key hole…

Instantly she knew something was wrong. That wasn't Mist waiting behind the door. Someone grabbed Rain's wrist and with an expert twist had the girl's arms locked behind her back. The ring of keys dropped to the floor.

"Oops." Kya smiled as she put one foot on the keys, still holding Rain tight, "My bad."

With the strength of a tiger, the flamer slammed the shocked TFAer into the wall. Rain slumped to the floor with a moan, clutching her head in pain.

Mist hesitantly stepped inside, her face contorted with guilt. Kya picked up the keys and abruptly turned to her, "Which one is it?"

Mist pointed to the door that led into the control room. Lazily swinging the keys, Kya strode over and let herself in, grinning in triumph, "I win."

She entered the control room…

And found the control that kept the guild private or public…

With a casual motion, she flipped it to "Public."

"Take it away guys!"

Rain didn't move as the doors suddenly burst open, letting in a stream of over fifty n00bs. It'd happened. They'd lost. All because of her. She'd let it happen. And TFA was just beginning to seem like a second home…now it was a trashcan.

"Hi girlfriend." Kya stood over her, swinging the keys tauntingly.

"Jerk." Rain hissed.

"Ooh! Not so nice!" Kya mocked, "I'd kick you out right now, but I think I want you to see the final showdown first!"

Of course. Shiri was in for it.

--

When Shiri came to check on things the next morning, she didn't have to walk through the wide open doors to see what'd happened. It was obvious. Over night, Kya had destroyed the guild HQ with her own tastes. Graffiti displaying n00bish words were all over the walls. The gardens were completely trashed, and screams of chatspeak could be heard issuing from the building.

Sitting dejectedly just outside the HQ was Val. She looked like she'd just seen a nightmare, "Don't look," she warned Shiri.

"What about the chipmunks?" Shiri asked wearily.

"Gassed." Val said dully. "All of them."

"And Rain?"

Val grimaced, "In the middle of a fifty to one food fight. I'd be there too if they'd let me in. Oh yeah. Kya's waiting for you."

"Oh no…"

Shiri turned to see Faye, Catt, Kate, Pseudo and nearly all of TFA standing behind her. Koneko stepped forward, "We were recruiting all night," she angrily glanced at what was left of TFA, "Too late!"

Shiri faced her guild, all gathered. Earlier, she would have been ecstatic to see so many familiar faces. But now this was no time for reunion celebrations.

"OK gang." Shiri took a deep breath, "Prepare for the craziest most serious shoe war ever taken place in TFA history. And Jesy! Did you say something about an army of green squirrels? They're not Koneko's chipmunks but they'll have to do."

--

Rain was cowering in the kitchen, tears of hate running down her cheeks. She was a complete mess after being pulverized by food-throwing n00bs. She was now just waiting to wake up from a nightmare.

"Psst! Hey Rainstorm!"

"Jesy?" Rain looked up in disbelief, "How did you - ?"

Jesy grinned, "I know this place like the back of my hand! Now take these," she handed Rain a tub of shoes, "Kill all in your path!" she whispered with a wink.

"Oh you know I will," Rain said with forced calm, "Where's everyone else?"

"In various unknown secret passages. We're loaded. All we need now is a signal from Shiri. When you hear her, " Jesy indicated the tub full of shoes, "Use them."

Then Jesy crept out of sight, just as three n00bs came in to stuff their faces. Rain clenched a fuzzy pink slipper.

Then, "ALL LITERATES PROTECT YOUR DIGNITY! FOR TFA!!" Shiri's voice rang out through the building like a fire alarm. Rain lashed out at the three unsuspecting n00bs with the fury of a wildcat, throwing shoes left and right! The horseshoes were the most satisfying to watch hit their target…

Shiri had a shoe-loaded gun that she was seriously taking advantage of. N00b after n00b went screaming from the building as she shot slippers, flip-flops, boots, clogs, moccasins, and horseshoes at them. "THAT'S RIGHT YOU FREAKS!" she screamed, "GET YOUR TRASH OUT OF MY GUILD!"

Kya watched about fifteen n00bs run screaming from the building. Slowly, she crept over to just behind Shiri, knelt down and picked up a horseshoe left forgotten on the ground, "Have a piece of your own medicine!" she hissed, hurling the cold iron weapon at her arch enemy.

Shiri ducked just in time, then whirled around to face Kya, gun cocked, "You're SO getting iced!" she shouted, blasting out a torrent of shoes.

Kya grabbed a random n00b as it ran by and used it as a human shield. Then she let the shoe-dazed n00b fall to the floor and dashed into the control room. With a jolt of panic, Shiri was at her heels in an instant, grabbing onto Kya's hair just as she tried to slam the door in her opponent's face. With a gasp of pain, the flamer fell back a second before trying to wrench free….

Nearly all the n00bs were out. Some had taken refuge in the upper stories of the guild. Faye and Koneko and Jesy took their army of green squirrels to herd out the remaining infiltrators.

Rain dashed over to the control room. She'd let this mess happen, and she knew she had to end it. Privacy was golden.

She heard the fight before she saw it. Screams of rage and sounds of a struggle echoed in her ears as she reached the door, "Shiri!" Rain tried the door desperately. It was locked…

Shiri had never been in such a rage, tackling Kya as if to kill. The flamer was swearing in chatspeak as she defended and attacked in wrath that matched Shiri's scream for scream. The guild leader was barely aware that someone was crying out desperately at the door.

"Shiri!"

"U R S0H D3D!!111! ebi7l bch!!"

"Rain what's going on?"

"It's locked! It won't open! Shiri's in there! The door's locked!"

"Well, where's the key!"

"JUZT U WT333! DMNNN U!"

"Shiri!"

Voices rang in Shiri's ears as she deflected Kya's oncoming blows. Then suddenly Kya was off her for a split-second. Shiri rolled over to scramble to her feet…

Something hard hit the back of her head, "Bullseye!" Kya gasped.

Shiri crumpled in a heap, wondering what had hit her. As the world blurred she saw Kya stand up, clutching Shiri's abandoned shoe gun.

"Game over." Kya stumbled over to the controls, "This guild's dead."

The door burst open.

In came a stream of green squirrels, along with Rain, Jesy and Faye leading TFA to the rescue.

Kya took one look, and the flamer was suddenly hit with the fact that her plan had backfired on her…again. Now she was the loser. She was the freak and the trash. She dropped the gun, let out the scream she'd been containing all throughout her sudden revelation of defeat, and did the only thing she could do.

She ran for her life.

Rain knelt down beside Shiri, "We won! Oh yeah! We're good!"

Shiri grinned, "Yuppers, we won. Now can someone get me an aspirin?"

--

_Afterward;_

_Jesy's squirrels chased Kya all the way to the Chia Police, where she was promptly arrested and in the next few hours iced._

_Mist was banished from the guild, but she also managed to get a life and is now in a cool avatar guild that doesn't make enemies so easily._

_TFA soon recovered from n00b infiltration, and is still having fun and starting shoe wars today! And I doubt that we will ever run into an evil flamer like Kya ever again, but I'm ever watchful…_

**Author's Note: **I wrote this for my guild newspaper a few years ago when I was still into that kind of stuff. Thought it was pretty funny, so I went ahead and posted it here.


End file.
